Rebuild trust

Holding onto the cracks of a relationship’s foundation that were caused by distrust can be difficult! The Community on how to save a crumbling relationship
The Community By Shayantani Sinha
Published on September 1, 2014
relationships

Maybe your spouse cheated on you, your best friend stabbed you in the back, or your co-worker took credit for your idea.

On the other hand, maybe you lied to your sweetheart, stole the guy or girl your friend had an eye on, or failed to help a co-worker or classmate on a crucial project. Losing trust is a two-way street, and so is rebuilding it. Both parties must want to work at rebuilding lost trust.

REBUILDING TRUST AFTER YOU BETRAYED SOMEONE

Forgive yourself: You need to accept and learn to forgive yourself before you make the effort to make amends. Whether your error in judgment was minor or major, it goes to show that you are only human.

Come clean: Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Denial will only make the other party’s distrust run deeper, especially if the truth is already clear. Expect emotional outburst (yelling, crying, or even ignoring) from the other person. Nonetheless, only in putting it all out in the open can you both move on.

Accept responsibility: Do not try to push the blame onto someone else, explain why you did what you did. Making excuses and blaming someone else will show the other person that you still do not fully understand the seriousness of your betrayal.

Be open and transparent: For a little while, by making your life transparent, the other person will be able to confirm with his or her own eyes that you are not in the midst of another betrayal.

Apologise: This one should be obvious, but unfortunately, sometimes it gets overlooked. Even if you do not feel the need to apologise, you should. Be genuine, fake apologies often sound fake — only apologise when you are truly sorry and truly eager to rebuild the trust that was lost.

Let the other person vent: Hard feelings exist after any betrayal. The person who feels betrayed will need to vent his or her emotions and thoughts in order to heal. It might be unpleasant for you, but it is essential for the other party involved.

Keep your word: Actions speak louder than words. Do not make the same mistake twice. It may take a lot of little trustworthy acts to rebuild trust, but it will not take much to break it all down again.

Be patient: Understand that rebuilding trust takes time. Be patient with the other person, but be persistent in your own efforts. Depending on the severity of your betrayal, building trust can take weeks, months, or years.

Show your affection and respect: Respect the person you hurt by showing more value and concern for that person’s feelings, thoughts, needs, desires and efforts.

REBUILDING TRUST AFTER SOMEONE ELSE BETRAYED YOU

Assess the situation: Ask yourself if the relationship is really important enough for you to salvage. Assess the situation as you progress. After sometime you should be able to notice signs of trustworthiness. If not and if there are indications that he or she may betray you again, let the relationship go and move on.

Express your anger: Let the person who betrayed you know just how deeply you were hurt by his or her actions. You need to say exactly what it was that hurt you and what you need him or her to do if you are to ever trust that person again.

Adjust your expectations: No one is perfect. Humans are often weak, sinful and flawed. No one will be able to give you exactly what you need 100 percent of the time. Once you understand that you should not expect perfection, you can get a better idea of how much trust you actually can put in the other person.

Discuss your needs: Tell the person who hurt you what you need from him or her in order to rebuild your trust. Be realistic and don’t demand the impossible, be reasonable and focus on what is important.

Give and receive love: You need to be willing to love the person who betrayed you, and accept the love that person gives you in return. When your betrayer tries to express affection, accept that the acts of affection are the real thing. Try not to criticise them when they seem honest.

Acknowledge your faults and responsibilities: Understand that you, too, are imperfect and may have a role in your betrayer’s actions. That does not excuse an act of betrayal, but by acknowledging your own shortcomings, you can work alongside the other person in order to strengthen your relationship as a whole.

Take the time you need: Do not rush yourself. If the other person is pressuring you to trust him or her when you still are not ready, he or she may not be truthful about wanting to do what it takes to rebuild that lost trust.

CAUTION!

10 REASONS RELATIONSHIP FAILS

  • Broken promises, lying, cheating, wBroken promises, lying, cheating, stealing
  • Imbalance of power in relationships
  • Isolation from friends and family
  • Lack of self-knowledge for couples
  • Low self-esteem, insecurity, and lack of self-confidence
  • Excessive jealousy — most common factor
  • Ineffective communication
  • Control issues

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